Life as a first year teacher: Trimester 1

I am one third of the way through my first year of teaching.  It is hard.  It is fun.  It is scary.  It is frustrating.  It is confusing.  It is empowering.  It is exhausting.

I am exhausted.  Anyone that says that teachers have it easy and get lots of time off has absolutely no idea what they are talking about.  I regularly spend several hours a night on weeknights and time on weekends grading or planning.  I am getting up at 6:00 every morning (and as I've said before, I'm not a morning person) and I was spoiled by getting enough sleep in Albania that in order for me to function, I have to go to bed by 10:00.  More than the sleep thing though, is the mental exhaustion.  Most days I get home and my brain is just tired.  It is hard to do more than collapse in a pile on my bed and watch bad tv shows.  I have seen very little of my friends and family since school started. 

I am empowered.  It really is amazing being in the classroom and seeing students change and grow.  They are doing that, and I am helping them do that!  My students are amazing and when I see them succeed I feel like I am succeeding.  I feel empowered and powerful in the best way.

I am confused.  There are so many things to navigate as a new teacher.  District, school and classroom politics and policies can be overwhelming.  Nothing quite makes sense and I sometimes just have to sit back and hope that things will just work themselves out.

I am frustrated.  Some of the things that just don't make sense can also be super frustrating.  Why are they making us do it that way?!? What am I doing wrong?  Why isn't this kid responding to this? Why don't they turn in their homework?!

I am scared.  I live in a little bit of fear every day that I am doing something totally wrong, that this will be the day that my class completely falls apart and just when that happens the Superintendent is going to walk into my classroom and see the utter chaos that is reigning.  I am terrified that I am a bad teacher and that I will fail my students.  I lose sleep at night worrying that my students won't be successful in my class and I won't be able to teach them what they need to know to be successful later in life. 

I am having fun.  I am trying every day to have fun.  I am having fun teaching and I hope that my students are having some fun learning.  I am definitely having fun with my colleagues.  I love the teachers that I am working with and as a team we have done a really good job of making sure we are having fun.

It is hard.  Teaching is hard.  It is hard to get up every day and be on.  It is hard to go to school every day and not fail my students.  It is hard to make decisions every day that effect the lives of my students and not know if they are the right decisions.  I don't know that I've every pushed myself as much as I have for the past three months.  I am pushing myself every day to be the best teacher that I can be for my students and it is hard.  But it is worth it.

I am one third of the way through my first year of teaching.  It is amazing.  

Student-Teacher-Student

Seven years ago I had just graduated college and now had (count em!) TWO fancy pieces of paper and absolutely no idea what to do next.  I knew I wanted to do the Peace Corps, but I wasn't in a financial situation to do that yet.  I was working in a restaurant and having a general directionless feeling, like so many people do when they leave college.  One day I went to visit some teachers at my old high school and got to talking to one Ms. (Dr.) Heidi Hursh.  Somehow, she convinced me that I should be teaching- and then proceeded to get me a job.

At 23, I was barely older than the students I was teaching and got mistaken for a student on a pretty regular basis.  Also, I had no idea what I was doing.  Technically, I had the credentials to teach the class, a college level Introduction to International Studies, since to be able to teach lower level college classes you just need a Master's degree in the subject you are teaching and I happened to have a brand new one of those.  But I really had no idea what I was doing.

The transition from student to teacher was strange.  First, I was young.  Second, I was teaching at my own high school, right next to my old teachers.  I remember one day when a few teachers invited me out for a FAC (Friday Afternoon Club-Happy Hour).  I sat in the middle of a long table sipping my beer- in between my old physics teacher and my stage teacher.  I don't remember talking much, I think that mostly I just sat there with wide eyes and tried not to freak out at the fact that I was there.  The teachers gossiped about the news at the school (the principal had just announced that she would be leaving the school) and of course, talked about students and (amazing!) other things as well.  Over the next few months, I got more comfortable in this informal space, but even now, years later it is a bit amazing to me that I got to go out and drink with teachers.

Over the past few years, while I have been in Denver, I have taken on several different roles from teaching to subbing to running after school programs.  I am more comfortable now when students call me Ms. Lipman and most of the teachers I work with now have never known me as a student.  But I am a student still, or again.

I just finished my first semester of "Student-teaching" on my way to become certified to teach high school.  One of my friends asked me today if I was done with school yet.  I thought about it and laughed a bit- there are so many answers to that question- yes, I am done with school for this semester; no, I am not done since I have one more semester of classes in the fall; no, I'm never done with school- once I finish this program then I will just keep going, teaching and learning- I will never be "done" with school.  I thought when I started teaching seven years ago that there was this magic time when you became a "teacher."  I have realized a more nuanced view of this process- I am a teacher, but I am still a student.  Even when I finish my license and am teaching full time (fingers crossed that I get a job!) I will still be a student.  Part of teaching is the fact that you never stop learning.