Staring at the wall

Last weekend I had two of the new volunteers come and visit me.

At this time last year, I was really happy to get out of my host family for a few nights (not that I don't love my host mom, but it was nice to travel) and finally get a chance to talk to some current volunteers and see what their life was like. One thing that I remember clearly is meeting Winifred in Tirana (and I'm not sure if she told us this or if I just heard it later) but her saying that she liked to spend time in her apartment and stare at the wall. At the time, I thought that Winifred was nuts (I now know that she is a little bit nuts, but in that "fun to watch when she is drunk" kind of way, not in a scary way that I originally thought). Now, the reason that I am bringing this up is this: after this winter, I think I understand what she meant.

I'm not saying that I spent a lot of time in my apartment staring at the wall. But I did spend a lot of time in my apartment- knitting, watching movies, reading, listening to podcasts and music and yes, doing absolutely nothing at all. I've never really been one to do nothing. In fact it is much more likely that you will find me doing more than one thing at a time than nothing (watchin TV while reading or knitting, cooking while reading, listening to music or podcast while writing, reading or doing anything else). My friend Linus has been talking lately about his return to regular meditation. And while I wouldn't call what I'm doing meditation, it is like meditations distant cousin. While I still usually am doing something when I am alone, the fact that I am alone and ok with it is a big step in itself. I have always kind of thought of myself as a really extroverted person who needs to be around people a lot. When I am in Denver, there are usually several options for interaction and entertainment available every day- when I sit at home alone there, I always feel like I am missing something (because I usually am). I still feel that way sometimes, but I have also started to come to terms with those feelings and learn to just enjoy my solitary time.

As spring and summer come around, I will have less time to do nothing as I travel more and hopefully spend time outside. I hope however that when I come back to the US I don't lose my peace in solitude. Don't be surprised if you call and I'm just at home staring at the wall . . .