No one can warn you

I would like to preface this post by saying a few things. I don't want people reading this blog to worry too much about my mental health, but I think that it is important for me to share all parts of my service, not just the shiny happy parts like going to Italy for Christmas. This is something that I have been thinking about for a long time, but I was nervous to write about it because I was afraid that it would make everyone worried. Please don't worry, I am good, but this is part of my experience and I have learned a lot from being alone . . .

During Peace Corps training, they tell you that you will be lonely. This is one of the major dangers of Peace Corps. Sometimes you are the only American or other foreigner in your town or village or maybe one of a few (in Peshkopi there are now 2- me, Dylan. The Canadian guy married to an Albanian has now left). They tell you that there may be times when you don't have a lot of work to do when you will spend a lot of time alone. They tell you to be careful and that making friends and being integrated into the community will help. They tell you that it will be lonely, but no one can really warn you.

A lot of my ideas about Peace Corps came from my parents- I have been hearing their PC stories forever. When I think about the difference between my parent's service and mine, there are many differences; internet and other technology (cell phones, ipods, laptops etc.) but also differences that come from the cultures and positions we have. But the biggest difference I can see between my parent's service and mine is that they had each other and so they couldn't warn me because although I'm sure they felt loneliness, it is very different from the loneliness I feel.

No one can really warn you about the loneliness because it is a different kind of lonely than any I have ever been before. I have lived "alone" for short periods of time in my life, but I have always had a support system in place so that my "alone" was never really alone. When I moved to college, I moved about 2 miles away. I had a roommate. I went home on the weekends and did laundry. The first time I was really away from my parents, I lived for a semester in Prague. For that experience, I also had a roommate and 100 other foreign students. Even though I didn't really know anyone, I made friends fast and only felt really lonely a few times.

Peace Corps is different. It is a different kind of alone than I have ever been. During training, things were kind of similar to when I studied abroad. I saw people every day and I was too busy to really feel too lonely. But once I got to site I had to learn to be alone. A lot. It's not that I haven't made friends, because I have, some great ones. It's not that I don't see people, because I do, all the time. It is not only that you are meeting new people and having to create all new relationships, you also have to do it in another language and another culture. I get up, I go to the office, I have meetings, I have coffee, I have lunch (although, often I go home and eat alone), I say hi to people on the streets, and I go to dinner at friend's houses. But I spend more time alone here than I have ever before. Usually at least a few nights a week (especially in the winter) I am at home alone in the evenings. When I'm not traveling, I'm usually home on the weekends too.

For as long as I can remember, my dad has talked to himself. We all would hear him in his office or darkroom or out back working on the car having full on conversations with himself, sometimes in more than one language. I have finally developed my own running dialogue that would rival my father's. I have started talking to myself. I have always had an internal voice over, but for the first time in my life, I find myself vocalizing all the time. I fill the silence with podcasts I download of news or radio and TV programs. I listen while I wash the dishes and cook dinner. I fill the time with baking and knitting and reading and playing solitare on my computer. I think a lot.

When I see people, for example when I travel to Peace Corps training, it is a treat. In Albania we are lucky because even as one of the most isolated volunteers, I am only 4-5 hours away from the capital and other volunteers. I have made some really strong bonds with some of the other volunteers and I see myself staying friends with some for life. But (except for my wonderful sitemate) they are not here and do not ease the solitude. It can be a very solitary existence and even though they try, no one can really warn you.